Tommy's Neverland

I don’t have much experience in maintaining a relationship, but this one is completely different to my previous two, I think the goal is simply different. It’s not about how much love or attention I get, it’s about creating lasting mutual happiness, it’s about making sure he’s happy while I’m happy. So I’ve never asked questions like did you miss me or did you love me, and I don’t think I ever will. I always asked if you had fun and if I had fun.

The relationship goes very fast, basically I mentioned the intention after our first meeting, so on the second day, when we went out for dinner for the first time, we already kissed in the restaurant. The way we spent time together was more like a married couple than young lovers. I didn’t get to fuck him in the first few days either, the whole thing isn’t driven or accelerated by sex at all. A friend wondered if the L-word was said, and yes, I said it when I bred him for the first time, that was after we had spent quite a lot of time together and introduced him to all my friends.  We’ve done so many things when we’ve been together, I can’t imagine how many things we’ve done, how many places we’ve been in just 2 weeks, apart from working, and I’ve already got so many more ideas for the future.

This relationship with him is a big step in my life as it’s the first one after I settled in my new home Australia, it’s like my new exploration with all the relationships between me and the outside world. My relationship between Ruby, Hansen, Sam, Mr Su got a huge boost from my side, and even between me and my mum, we finally broke through the semi-sheer paper wall between us, that she finally told me everything in her mind. This is really the first time I’ve ever really loved someone instead of playing a relationship as a game, and even if we didn’t end up together, I think it would be the most important thing in my whole life, a monument moment for me.

From the first night we never slept under the same blanket, I’m totally okay with that because I’m not a cuddling person all night long, I need genuine nice undisturbed sleep, and I’m becoming so tolerant, so nice and gentle with everything, so kind to everyone. I’ve developed the intention to help everyone and make everyone happy since I met him, so I’m really grateful for all these things that have happened in my life, it’s completely changed me in just ten days, but there’s so much more to come in the future. 

Thanks to my ADHD, I have already thought about so much and have so many ideas that I can use in the future. We have been chatting a lot and the other night I was thinking about the wedding and we were chatting about that too. The wedding post I made is the reason why my mum decided to open her heart to me (by saying no). 

Now I get to know him more and I like him more too, I met his friend too, I finally found out something that I have to compromise on is that he doesn’t like avocados, so I can’t share yummy guacamole with him in the future, but that’s fine because we can enjoy what we like and then share some common things together, exactly like everything else in life, he played his games with friends, I do my studies, then we can spend time together. Other than that, I couldn’t even think of anything bad, but Zhenyu reminded me today lol, what if his parents don’t like me, haha, I don’t know? What should I do? Haha.

So it actually makes me think a lot when I’m experiencing different things without the distraction of social media, so I’ve got some new perspectives on my life.

So apparently my whole new life is just beginning, which is so different from the previous stage, but this is the result, the accumulation, of all the little changes that happened in my past life, but I’m still undergoing a huge transition, for example, English is becoming the predominant language for information acquisition and communication, even self-speaking, This is the new medium for me to convey my thoughts and feelings to the world, so I definitely need to put some effort into the transition, which will definitely help me to develop a better personality and good manners, my new knowledge base will form the new image when I’m interacting with other people, so I should put extra effort into it at this moment until the full transition settles down. That is, to increase my ability of inputting to the average level, so that we can stop spending time on it in the near future, because after reaching a certain level, I will train my ability throughout my life. So I’m going to try my best to improve my listening and reading comprehension this year, so that next year I can focus on the output and localisation part of my communication behaviour, after I’ve accumulated enough language.

I also got to see some children in a group with their parents around, which made me think about my identity by pointing out the differences between them and me. One thing I realised is that even though we’re all people living in this country with similar social norms and values, they grew up as Australians but I grew up as Chinese. So for them, they’re Australian first, then they have their Vietnamese or Chinese or blah blah blah heritage. I’m different because I’m Chinese first and then I’m Australian. We have the same components but in a different depth and order, that is the uniqueness and also my speciality, I could have the same Australian factors as them but the Chinese part of me will give me something different, I can have both vision and judge the best ways of doing things in two different cultures. I should definitely be proud of myself and make the most of my abilities, but I need to work a lot harder to make myself an average Australian, like everyone else around me, I’m sure I have a long way to go, but I’ll be there as long as I put in the effort, so do it.

Also the two days completely away from any kind of telecommunication and social media brings a very different way of living that maximises my productivity and also my mental health is well taken care of. So we need to adjust my lifestyle to the changing situation for the best of my personal interests. Therefore I should minimise the use of social media in my life and change my way of using the internet at this stage until I reach the level of knowledge and skill development. We will try to find out soon, but definitely social media use will be minimised once we are ashore. Trying to concentrate the time spent with friends, but with higher quality would also be great, while washing off the habitual use of social media for low quality information acquisition. We will find the way.

Yes, I think I really have some new insights and ideas lately due to different circumstances and experiences in my life. As I said, I’m on the verge of my new life, which is completely different from my point of view and my socially constructed “identity”. But I’m still in my own transition, so I really need to spend my precious time on the most important things, from which I can benefit the most. I’m glad that I have a clear goal and now I have the motivation and much more maturity and self-discipline for it. I will definitely try to do the defence work as an essential part of my identity formation and personality development. We’re going to try to get the army officer position, we’re preparing for it in many ways, my professional skills, my communication skills and also my interpersonal skills. And even if we don’t get it, we can still be a sailor, a linguist, all over the world. There’s a bright future waiting for me and I need to equip myself for it.

Tommy C Z
31 March 2024

Currently, I’m flying across the Australian continent with Virgin Australia. It’s a five-hour flight from Sydney to my home sweet home, Perth. It’s been a week-long trip, but it’s just the beginning of a much longer journey. Feels like it’s gone in a flash, but now it’s coming to an end.

This trip holds a special place for me as it’s the first time I’m visiting Sydney in almost a year as a free citizen after parting ways with my ex. I’ve shared a lot about my thoughts since threads joined in my life, but there’s still so much more I want to jot down to organise my mental state.

This Sydney trip feels different because I stayed here for almost four months on more than ten occasions last year. Everything was so familiar that I could navigate the city without a GPS. I’ve been all over the airport, but it’s a whole different lifestyle now. The thing is, I don’t actually dislike Sydney itself, it’s just the lifestyle he imposed on me that I didn’t enjoy. Let me clarify, though, I did have many good times with him, experienced a lot, and he supported my life decisions greatly. I’m genuinely grateful to him, and a lot of the things I started when I was with him mean a lot to me. But deep down, I knew we wanted different things from each other, and maybe I wasn’t the best partner for him, so we decided to part ways. Even though the memories are golden, it’s unfortunate that it couldn’t work out.

So, this is truly the first time I’m exploring this city on my own free will, the first time since 2018, and as a brand new Tommy, getting to know new friends. It’s been quite a busy trip, and I haven’t had much time for sightseeing. One funny thing, though, is that in the last two months, I haven’t really worked much for my company. But as soon as I started this trip, on the day I was flying to Adelaide, my boss contacted me and assigned a few tasks, haha! So, from arriving in Sydney on Wednesday until Friday evening, I’ve basically been working. The first fun thing I did was take a half-hour walk in the city, and then it started raining.

Despite the busyness, I did get a chance to explore a few new places this time. I’m really thankful to Albert for driving me all the way to the Blue Mountains after showing me around Strathfield. I feel a bit sorry for keeping him waiting since I’m not the best at managing my time, but luckily, he wasn’t too angry, and we had a great time, just like we did in Perth. I remember how much he missed Sydney when he was on a work trip in Perth, and he was so upset that he had to come back again. But after a few weeks in Perth, he started to enjoy the different life there, and he even wanted to come back. So, that means I’ll have a higher chance of spending more time with him, whether in Sydney or Perth. This Blue Mountains trip exceeded my expectations, and he shared so much about this city. I’m so glad I met him.

I met Ty when I was in Sydney last year. He’s a genuinely nice guy, always smiling, and it warms my heart. He’s actually one of my typical types, haha. After stopping coming to Sydney last year, I didn’t have a chance to meet him again until he came to Perth for a friend’s wedding last month. But I didn’t expect to meet him again so soon. We already had so many conversations last year, and there’ll be more to come in the future.

Justin is a really important friend to me. He’s given me a lot of advice, opportunities, and fun times. But since he moved from Perth to the East Coast, I haven’t had the chance to meet him much. We only met once last year when I visited the Gold Coast. Now, I finally get to hang out with him again. We chatted about our recent lives, and talking to different people really opens your mind to different perspectives. He inspired me to make better decisions for my near future life, to address and tackle issues as soon as I spot them. I’m so glad I get to meet him again.

I’m absolutely thrilled to have a long chat with Arya after such a long time, meeting Allen after two years, and going on the first interstate trip with Konan. One thing special about this Sydney trip is that it’s my first domestic trip in a while. It marks the beginning of a new travel phase for me, something I’ve always wanted to do. I want to focus more on exploring my local Australian cities instead of always running away to Southeast Asia. It’s time to use the saved money and time for some long-haul trips like visiting the UK, Europe, and America. I might resume my monthly trips to the eastern cities, building and solidifying my connections there. I’ll also spend more time at home, getting more involved in the community. I really want to establish a strong home base before I venture out to explore the whole world. Before that, I need to have a clear view of myself and gather enough strength.

The major direction and possible path for my next few years are pretty clear now. I’ve got my Plan A (my next employment) and Plan B (my degree, the new Columbus plan and then the employment). And I even have a backup if both plans don’t work out. I’ll try living in other major Australian cities (Adelaide and Melbourne) for a while, while frequently visiting my friends in other cities (Sydney and Brisbane). I’ll try living in a different geographical location but with a similar culture like the UK (Europe) or Canada (North America) for a slightly longer time. I’ll also do my Asian studies as part of the new Columbus plan in either Thailand or Japan. I’ve got a few life codes based on both plans, and people are giving me suggestions and support. They think I’m really cool, and I think they’re pretty amazing too. Most of my friends have achieved great things, and they’re role models for me. (So many names came to my mind!)

This Adelaide trip went far beyond my expectations. Thanks to Michael, I’ll be living here for a semester (three and a half months) next year. I’ve also met a few friendly people (bears) who have already started helping me. This Sydney trip has been amazing too. I think I’m happier than ever when I was walking from Potts Point to Town Hall this morning, listening to my new favourite female singer. I’m so lucky to meet such wonderful people, and I’m truly grateful for them and all the effort I’ve put into myself. I’m still trying my best to become a better person to fulfil my dreams. Tears have welled up in my eyes again, which has been happening a lot recently.

I used to say that I’m the luckiest or happiest person in the world, but I stopped saying that anymore. I’ve gradually stopped comparing myself to others and caring about what they think. It’s a negative thought pattern that can harm yourself and others. But I do feel that I’m happier than ever. 

Until last year, I often had midnight sentiments, something I’ve had since I was a young boy when I started writing a “biography” to record everything that happened in my life before I turned 10 years old. But I haven’t felt that way for a long time until Zhenyu mentioned it recently. Maybe it’s because I’m so busy building my life towards my ideal goals while having so much fun. I’m so thankful to my friends, this country, my parents who allow me to chase my dreams, and to myself for putting in all the effort.

I’ve wanted to write about various things in the past months, as I haven’t formally updated anything since my trip back from California, which was also an important journey for me. It was then that I decided I needed to end the unhealthy relationship, which was better for both him and me. On that trip, I met Dinyar, Firooz, Kevin, and all the other friends and bears. I wanted to write about the changes, or I would say the completement, of my life plans, the actions I’ve taken to achieve my goals, the experiences I’ve learned from my friends, and the progress I’ve made through my studies. But I kind of covered it all here. One interesting thing is that my current lifestyle is a result of so many different little things, not just my own decisions but also the people I’ve met, the conditions from the airlines, credit card companies, universities, and governments. Any tiny chance could result in a completely new life for me, but what I’m having right now is the best.

I chatted with a friend about my recent income, and he said that technically, we’re living in poverty. Yeah, my income is lower than 85% of general Australians, but I’m leading such a happy life. I’ve truly come to realise that money can only bring limited pleasure, and that lesson became even clearer last year. What’s more important is your mindset. My current lifestyle still has remnants from the previous years, like this Virgin business class flight I’m on right now. I can still access the Virgin lounge for the next one and a half years, even though I won’t be flying with them much. But even though the major direction of my life is pretty fixed, all the details are so uncertain and unpredictable. It’s like I didn’t plan to come to Sydney until I saw this Jetstar sale two weeks ago, after Konan suggested we go on a trip to the East. I have absolutely no idea where I’ll be in one month, but I’m always making things better by improving myself. No matter what obstacles come my way, I know I can overcome them with the help of my vibrant friends.

I didn’t do much during this trip at all, so there are still so many people I haven’t met, like Bradley, Cory, and Marty, and some like Kenneth, who I know won’t be able to meet me, but I have to mention them anyway, or I’ll be the one to blame. But don’t worry; I’ll be back here in September, October, and November. I’ll need some rest in December after returning from New Zealand and Melbourne. The second half of this year will be filled with trips from now on. Oh well, that’s how I spent the first half of this year, and the entire last year lol. I’ve gone back to the lifestyle I enjoyed the most, living at home in Perth, a lifestyle similar to 2021, but with more meaning as I have goals to study for. I’ll try to combine it with all the new domestic travel plans. Until I make it to Duntroon or Jervis Bay, or London or Vancouver, if I have to go with Plan B first. I’ll probably keep hoping for Plan A, my next employment, throughout my whole life. If I can’t make it now, I’ll try in three years. If it’s still not meant to be, then five years or ten years from now. It will be a major event in my life, and all I need to do is prepare myself physically and mentally.

There’s this really cute bearish crew member, Don, from Perth as well. It’d be a dream if I could have a partner like him, but for now, I should focus on building my own dream. I believe the right person will come along, and it’s totally fine if he doesn’t show up. I’m having the best time of my life every single day, and I have so many nice friends I rely on, whom I really love and appreciate.

Special thanks to: Albert, Allen, Arya, Dave, Justin, Konan, Michael, and Ty. And also to David, Luke, Mark, Tim, and all the bears. It’s so great to know or reconnect with some new friends: Andy, Bowie, and Joe. Spending time with you during this trip has been my greatest pleasure. It would have been much less fun and bland without you all, and I’m really looking forward to meeting you again.

With courage let us all combine. I’m young and free.

However, right now, I’m just a tiny apartment above the Chinese restaurant.

PS: There’s only one thing that may affect my life plans – romantic relationships. I’ll try my best to avoid getting caught up in that, haha!

Tommy 24/07/2023